black and white memories.
Thursday, August 11, 2005
All these while I have been searching... whether it is something as minor as keychains... or other stuffs... I always take such a long time to decide, and walk round and round from place to place in order to search for something so common.... Hmm... I guess all these while wat I have been searching for isn't really what I thought it is. trying to search for something that I can truly says is mine, and mine only... one thing that is only owned by me, and no one else... something unique... something that will always stay with me....
I more or less realise a long time ago.... wat I'm looking for is not things... but merely a feeling of security... something that I know can always stay by me... i juz refuse to admit the fact that I'm feeling insecured. This is something that i can't get from my family... since I'm not that particularly close to them.... I dun share much interest with my parents... generation gap... I supposed... I have different views abt things. As for my sis... I supposed I look up to her as an example... but besides the usual daily stuff we never had a heart-to-heart talk b4... she has her own circle of friends, so do I. I guess it juz feel weird to talk abt stuffs so personal with someone u see so often... ironically, now i'm writing these stuffs on the net whereby anyone can read... haha... tat's life...
As for friends.... friends comes and go... everyone have their own stuff to do... own friends to spent time with.. as much as I like to say that friendship can last forever, no one really knows... Now, friends are the most important things in my life.. since i'm more or less leading a retired lifestlye. No worries, no stress. But the future can be full of so many uncertainites... who knows wat will happen next? would I still bother to maintain these friendships? would I become so lazy that I dun bother to do anything? dun bother to go for gathering? dun bother to reply sms? will I become too close to my new friends and forget abt the old ones?... Hmm... I guess no one really knows...
As for love... haha...
I feel too insecure myself to provide others with the sense of security needed to be felt in a relationship. I can't guarantee that I make the one I love happy... can't guarantee that i'll always be there for her when she needs me... can't guarantee that the relationship won't end up a failure, hurting both parties... It's better for one to feel lonely then for two to feel sad. Right now, I'm contended with the things as it is... live each day as it is...
This feeling of insecurity... I guess it's going to bug me for sometime until I have enough selfconfidence... hai~... guess I have to get use to it soon and stop those time-wasting searches... ...
