black and white memories.
Sunday, August 28, 2005
sort of realise that no matter how many friends u have, u'll still feel lonely... and the more friends u have, the closer u r to them, the more lonely u'll feel when they r not with u.
This sense of loneliness can be a scary thing... makes u kinda sad once u can't see them... makes u fear the day when ur friendships might end... makes u fearful of investing into another friendship... sort of requires a certain degree of self-confidence in order to prevent urself from drowning into this pool of self-doubt and uncertainties...
Loneliness... fear... is this the price that one muz pay inorder to have true friends?
hmm....
If that's the case, then I dun mind paying it.
The sense of loneliness when I'm not with my friends might be overwhelming, but at least i know that there will be someone to drag me out when i'm abt to drown.
as for finding true friends...
I dun think they can be found. let true friends find u instead bah...
went to bowl at chervon yesterday afternoon with wb, junling, sf and karine, and since it was 6 plus when we ended, took a cab down to JP hoping the catch the 7 plus "March of the Penguins"... went there since I said that JP is showing... but to my horror, all Golden Village cinema showed it except that at JP.... . . . . .'''-_- thx~~~I wasted their precious bkout time...hai~.. so instead of catching a movie we went to pizza hut to have dinner, and Fu qiang and sk joined us... then went to play arcade till 10 plus. sent sf home since it was quite inconvient for her to drag the two bowling ball home by herself. And that's the end of Sat... didn't accomplished much, but felt nice to meet up with them :)Have been reading a book call "Tie Dao Yuan" by a jap author. It's a complilation of some of his stories... though I find the storyline ok, but he wrote them in a very toughing way... it's a gd bk.
Friday, August 26, 2005
Juz came back from the Army Half Marathon training at Pasir Ris park, completed 15km in 1 hr 36 min. Though both my legs arch like hell after the run, I did manage not to overstain my left knee this time ^_^ Supposed to run 18km, cos it’s 2 rounds around the whole Pasir Ris park, which is abt 15km, plus another smaller round which makes up the last 3 km… Running the whole 18km route means tat we’ll pass through the start pt 3 time. but most ppl, including me, ran only 15km… cos the temptation to stop at the start pt during the 2nd time was too great. Was quite hungry to go for the last 3 km too… so stay at the refreshment pt to eat bananas lor… :D
Can’t stand why some ppl there muz leave their work till the last minute when they know that the task is going to due, and they have the time to do it earlier in the week. As a result, they only cause other ppl who have been doing their job constantly to have to stay back and help them… some ppl there really juz dun deserve their ranks as well. Pushing their work to other ppl and then wash their hands off it as though it’s was never their business in the first place. Watever it is they they had done in their early years to earn them their ranks… whatever qualities they had which give them their current position… I DON’T SEE IT. If they want more respect from their men, they shd make sure they have wat it takes to deserve their respect in the first place….
Anyway, the lazy puppy had been hiding under the bed in the guardroom…. Quite a lot of ppl showing their concern for the dog. Even the COS is looking aft it… indenting lunch for this lazy fellow… but now that OC and CSM is back from ICT, dunnoe how long we can hide it from them… hai~
Haha… long weekend ahead, since I’m clearing my one-day off on mon… slack~ =D
Thursday, August 25, 2005
Lately, there's this puppy that come to our company line every morning... and now ppl starts to feed it things and treat it as our own dog...haha. Discussing with my friend wheter we shd make a camp pass for it or train it to help us fetch tools... cos though it looks like a puppy it's size is already qt bigbut some idiot keep feeding it chocolate biscuit from our left over food ration.... -_- stupid guy... dun even know dogs can't eat chocolate... uhoh... 11pm appraoching. off to watch my anime... heIHeI :D
Sunday, August 21, 2005
went to k-ge with wb, jh, junling, sf, bc, oml. I asked my friend to tag along too... cos she wants to k-ge but her friends not free to go with her. But she made an early exit cos she needed to settle some project stuff... work-oriented as usual... hai~. So I left with her and share a cab home... alighted b4 her since i live nearer to clementi, and thus ended up getting 'suan1' by wb and gang this morn during the b'ball session... "'-_-...
... i dun send a gal home cos of courtesy... at least usually not. only when she asked cos she needs company, or when I feel there's a need to... cos i think it's way too late, too dark or a bit unsafe etc etc... She's not the type that would trouble ppl to send her home and then in the end cause the guy to miss the last train and have to run at 12am plus... haha... can't believe jh really did that last time ^o^ gentlemanly sia... If I really did that yesterday, it will only make her feels bad, which she already felt a bit since i left the gang a bit earlier...
maybe it's also bcos she doesn't give me the feeling that she needs protection.
Certain gals would give me the " I shd protect her " feeling, though i dun have that sort of like-ness towards them as I did for her... But between the two of us I'm always the slacker one, more immature, less serious...
hmmm...... perhaps it's time for me to grow up as well...
But as long as she's happy, nth else matters *V^_^*
Friday, August 19, 2005
Loves friday... cos it's 'tone-down' day where we woulgn't have so much work to do. Though the morning was quite busy, had quite some fun... Then in the afternoon, didn't do much thing... watched my master sergeant dismantle a bycycle as he attempt to 'servive' the bike.... but too bad, the components rusted too badly.. then also had a chance to hear wat the engione sounds like when the exhaust manifold is leaking... hEiheI ^_^ I think I made the right decision to put Mech Eng as my Uni course. starting to enjoy working with engines liao... =)
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
hmm.. something wrong with the font...
Had been slightly busier than usual these few days b’cos we are rather shorthanded since most ppl went for ICT. But I got a chance to improve my bicycle riding skills b’cos I had to make a few trips between company line and the workshop… now can ride a bicycle with relative ease…. Muhahaz. Now, the next logical thing to do would be to learn how to swim. And so I went down to the pool juz now… luckily didn’t drown =D … can’t really say I’ve figure out how to swim…. But at least I managed to move in the pool ^_^
Haha… but at least now I have something interesting to do.
Anyway, ever heard of the song “Gloomy Sunday”? managed to fin the original lyric, as well as the re-written one, sung by sarah Brightman… Legend has it that this notorious Hungarian song cause over 300 ppl to commit sucide, and had since been banned…hmm… interesting…
Friday, August 12, 2005
Went to Pasir Ris park for the Army Half Marathon training... Wanted to take the 17km route initially... but the pain started to set in after the 8th km.... started to get worse... finally have to jog, one leg limping bac to the start point. 10 km. A mere 10km. Am I really going to be restricted by this prob?... Looks like my hopes of clearing the AHM within 2 hrs 45 min inorder to get the 3 days off is not as easy as I think... Hmm... need more painkillers... a lot more. haha. time to visit the doc again tml morn. But currently, I hate stairs. >.<
Thursday, August 11, 2005
All these while I have been searching... whether it is something as minor as keychains... or other stuffs... I always take such a long time to decide, and walk round and round from place to place in order to search for something so common.... Hmm... I guess all these while wat I have been searching for isn't really what I thought it is. trying to search for something that I can truly says is mine, and mine only... one thing that is only owned by me, and no one else... something unique... something that will always stay with me....
I more or less realise a long time ago.... wat I'm looking for is not things... but merely a feeling of security... something that I know can always stay by me... i juz refuse to admit the fact that I'm feeling insecured. This is something that i can't get from my family... since I'm not that particularly close to them.... I dun share much interest with my parents... generation gap... I supposed... I have different views abt things. As for my sis... I supposed I look up to her as an example... but besides the usual daily stuff we never had a heart-to-heart talk b4... she has her own circle of friends, so do I. I guess it juz feel weird to talk abt stuffs so personal with someone u see so often... ironically, now i'm writing these stuffs on the net whereby anyone can read... haha... tat's life...
As for friends.... friends comes and go... everyone have their own stuff to do... own friends to spent time with.. as much as I like to say that friendship can last forever, no one really knows... Now, friends are the most important things in my life.. since i'm more or less leading a retired lifestlye. No worries, no stress. But the future can be full of so many uncertainites... who knows wat will happen next? would I still bother to maintain these friendships? would I become so lazy that I dun bother to do anything? dun bother to go for gathering? dun bother to reply sms? will I become too close to my new friends and forget abt the old ones?... Hmm... I guess no one really knows...
As for love... haha...
I feel too insecure myself to provide others with the sense of security needed to be felt in a relationship. I can't guarantee that I make the one I love happy... can't guarantee that i'll always be there for her when she needs me... can't guarantee that the relationship won't end up a failure, hurting both parties... It's better for one to feel lonely then for two to feel sad. Right now, I'm contended with the things as it is... live each day as it is...
This feeling of insecurity... I guess it's going to bug me for sometime until I have enough selfconfidence... hai~... guess I have to get use to it soon and stop those time-wasting searches... ...
Sunday, August 07, 2005
Hmm... muz have get up from the wrong side of the bed yesterday... all my thoughts was quite haywire... maybe stayup to late to watch hellsing on friday nite. But by the end of the afternoon my mind was already quite shagged... can't think clearly, and the way I handle things... not very desirable i would say... my nood was quite bad too... But after a gd afternoon nap everything juz changed. Refreshed, and everything seems so clear again. But then realise that I needed to clear up some mess created during my time when my mind was clouded... Luckily didn't really cause much harm...
Anyway, after meeting my secondary sch friends i went to lot 1 to meet up with sk, sj and the gals. as usual, crap a lot, and sj is still as crappy as ever ^_^ play a bit of billard ( or izzit pool?? dun really know wat's the difference... hehe "'^_^...), and then went home at 11 plus.. haha... it's that month of the year again... not safe to "tuang1" until so late :P
Then went to watch "7 Swords" with wb and gang todae... quite a long movie.. like ard 2 hrs and 45 mins.. but their weapon looks interesting, though they wasn't much special effects, and the scenes look gloomy to me... haha... not really my taste... like animated violence better. Muhahahaz
Friday, August 05, 2005
i always signed that it hard to meet up with them... but now there's a chance to do so tml, and yet i'm not taking it. Not that they still can't decide wat to do or I'm too busy... in fact i dun even have anything planned for tml... but bcos i dun feel like going. dun understand why I felt this way too, but it's juz wat i'm feeling now... think I sounded too selfish when he asked me whether I can make it tml... and the ans i gave was " if i'm in the mood, then i'll definitely go... sounds self-centred?.. haha.. but I can't help it."... ... haha... wat a lousy ans.... Now I feel as though i'm destroying this friendship with my own hands... haha... maybe i have too much time to slack... too much time to think to the extend that i only think abt myself?? somehow I felt an obligation to go... and I hate this sort of feeling. my company does have its gd side... some of the ppl there are quite nice too. Yet somehow, this sort of gd things juz doesn't stand out. come to think of it, I always ignore or overlook the gd side of it. Wat i'm seeing is juz arrows flying ard... ppl backstabbing each others and pretending to be nice infront of ppl that they dislike. Hypocrisy. Politics.... all the sort of dirt that I've learned to close one eye and try to ignore it... But it juz keep bugging me. Hai~... this is a corrupted world.
Thursday, August 04, 2005
-Argh~-
It's not like i dun understand the rational behind how some ppl do things. It's not as if I can't think in their shoes and see things the way they view it. But I juz can't control it. Y made me feel so dian diaoz. It's supposed to be something to look forward to... why do I feel this way??? I simply dun understand myself...
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
-Angel Watching Over Me-
Peaceful days.... too peaceful. haha, nthing much to do lately, trying to see if I still remember how to do a bit of physics... Haven't have much stuff to do in camp too, except listening to my soon-to-ORD PC's hour long speech. But luckily, he always clear his leave on wed and thurs, and is always busy with his stuffs... so dun have to listen to his speech everyday...
But seriously, wat's with the idea of "playing both side"?? Can't understand why these things have to happen... Why they like to play such games?
hai~
heck....
they want to do it, do it for all i care...i'm going to leave it up to them to do watever hell they want.